Today’s funny Thursday 28th February 2013

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Outfits for Thursday 21st February to Wednesday 27th February 2013

 

I wore this Gabriella Fratini white with grey dress &  grey trousers from Target on Thursday with my grey sandals, the little pieces of fabric on the R/H side of the dress L/H when I was wearing it, kept getting caught on my watch and I had to keep untangling it.

I wore this outfit on Friday, it is a Blue Philosophy dress with white T shirt & white trousers with my white Novo shoes with the flowers on the top, they have a diamonte as the centre of each of the flowers.

I wore this Philosophy outfit on Saturday to go shopping, we were supposed to go on the boat and sit in the estuary and just chill, however Grumpy was not well (Manflu) so we stayed home and just pottered.  I wore these Diana Ferrari shoes, I have had them for a few years now and every time I wear them, people comment on how sexy they look and where did I get them from. I get a lot of my shoes from Gomes in Mandurah, they carry a fantastic range of shoes, for all occasions.

I wore this Lilia dress on Sunday, Grumpy was feeling a little better, so we tonked over to the club (MOFSC) for a light lunch. I bought this dress years ago from Kings Park Fashion in Mandurah http://www.kingsparkfashions.com.au/. I love clothes that are different, I don’t want to look like everyone else, especially at a function. I remember we were at our club one night a few years ago and there was a function on for the Rotary club and all the patrons were dressed up. I couldn’t get over the amount of ladies that had the same fabric or style dress on, boy was I glad I didn’t have my dress on that night. I have to say though some of the ladies that had the same style dress obviously didn’t have an honest sales person dealing with them as the dresses were too tight and either they should have chosen a larger size or got a different dress, there are only so many bulges that look ok and on a larger woman, a skin tight dress with lots of rolls making them look like the Michelan man is on one of them.

I wore this philosophy outfit on Monday, I had already started not feeling well, on Sunday evening so I didn’t wear the shoes, i put my black slip ons in my lunch bag to bring (I don’t wear shoes in the car) and I don’t think I took them out of my lunch bag until Tuesday when I got to work.

I wore this outfit on Tuesday, I can’t remember the brand, and really at this stage couldn’t care less, I just grabbed the first thing that was hanging in the cupboard that didn’t need jewellery as I was not going to stand in front of the mirror to put any on. Putting on the makeup was going to be bad enough when I am dizzy and having the dreaded flushes.

Still not feeling well, so grabbed the closest outfit that again didn’t need jewellery. I wasn’t expecting clients so on big deal, we had 1 client that came in for an hour and 2 sales reps, just what I didn’t need. I did make the effort to put on some nice dangly earrings and makeup that morning so I didn’t feel so bad. This is a Threads dress with beading and various fabrics.

Hoping to feel better for the remainder of the week, we are going to Mangles for the weekend – weather permitting so I will have to pack for the trip.

One must always look ones best regardless of circumstance, if you don’t, that will be when you bump into someone that you know and  want to impress.

 

It sucks being unwell, I have Grumpy’s manflu.

It sucks being unwell, Grumpy breathed on me with his manflu germs and now I have got it.

Codral Man Flu tablets

Today’s funny Wednesday 27th February 2013

Who wouldnt like to satisfy his wife ??

>A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice bowl of Coco pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Tower of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.  Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lollies M & M’s.

What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife and with a big smile lovingly asked,
“Well Dear waht was it like being eight again?’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed: “I meant my dress size, you freakin moron!”

Moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong!

Today’s funny Tuesday 26th February 2013

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she say s “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…

“Hi, my name is John, It’s WINTER IN OHIO and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

Today’s funny Monday 25th February 2013

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods..

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay.’

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, ‘You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom  women will flock to’.

The woman replied, ‘That’s okay, because I will be the most  beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, ‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.’

The woman said, ‘That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.’

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,  ‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them..

   **Attention female readers** : This is the end of the joke for      you. Stop here and continue feeling good.**

Male readers** :      Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.**

Moral of the story** : Women are really dumb but think they’re  really      smart.**     **

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. **

Today’s funny Sunday 24th February 2013

Wine at Restraunts

The waiter took a bottle of Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman seated  over there,” indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

“For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.”

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his
own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

“For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage . . . and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,

would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.”

Today’s funny Saturday 23rd February 2013

A short but sweet blonde one!!!

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat Which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to Woolworths 

Why Woolworths? 

HELLOOOOOOOOO! 

Woolworths is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

Wooden Leg Insurance”

A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland, from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario, was $2000.00 a year !!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, “$39.00.”

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !!!!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well,..here it is on the screen,it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*

Today’s funny Friday 22nd February 2013

Young piper

As a young piper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The  funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this  man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar  with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not  stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe  and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in  sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the sideof  the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I  played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I’d  never played before, from My Home &

The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers  of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and  walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying  to another, ‘Lard Jeezuz b’y,

I never seen nothin’ like that before and  I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Outfit for Wednesday 20th February to watch pole dancing demo

I had another day off yesterday, I wanted to go to the Dolphin Ladies club meeting at our fishing club (MOFSC) because they had a demo on pole dancing.

It was very interesting and I took a photo of one of the ladies Tanja, who works at the club having a go and she did very well.

A few of the ladies who were at the demo were brace enough to get up and have a go, unfortunately I forgot about the camera until quite late and only got a couple of photos.

Tanja from our club having a go.

 

I wore this outfit above to the demo as I wanted to wear something fresh. I wore a white tank top underneath as both the white and grey mesh dresses are see through. I am a dirt magnet when I wear white clothing and got a drop of tomato juice on my shorts, so I didn’t fail my expectation.