Mothers Day is fast approaching, order now so that you get your gift in time for her special day.
Hide tummy bulge – belly fat – Easy does it Black Magic
You can’t have too many little black dresses on hand, an A line that drapes is ultra flattering and perfect for hiding that troublesome tummy.
It’s amazing what a little well placed gathering will do for your waistline.
Ruching at the side creates a sliming effect
Most celebrities start off with better bodies than the rest of us mere mortals, but don’t forget that they have personal chefs and trainers on demand, but even the fittest stars still deal with figure challenges and flaws, so they turn to stylists who are geniuses at putting together outfits that hide flaws and play up a star’s best assets.
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The idea started last year when I commented to one of my friends that I haven’t used my Thermomix as much as I should.
Terry, my friends husband said that they would invite us over one free weekend to have a Thermomix dinner, however 12 months on and we still hadn’t organised something.
So I thought I might have another Thermomix dinner party with a few friends, after mentioning to a couple of friends, it has now turned into a Thermomix Degustation dinner, Grainger Style.
“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.”
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:”I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”
“Yeah?”, says the hippie.
“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put’ some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
“I am God,” he declares to the nun, Keeping the hood low about his Face. “Have sex with me.”
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”
“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!
The Pastor’s Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey That he entered it in the Race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter The donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline Read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he Ordered the Pastor to get Rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a Nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted The following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to Get rid of the donkey so she Sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he Ordered the Nun to buy back The donkey and lead it to the plains where It could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . Being Concerned about public opinion Can bring you much grief and Misery . . Even shorten your Life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!
A foursome of guys are waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women are hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43…….
A WOMAN’S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
A MAN’S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
“Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”
“SHIT” said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ‘ Center and Claude was never invited there again.
It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
‘Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?’ he says.
‘That’s cool.’ says Bobby.
Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue’s father responds, ‘Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.’
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,
‘Yeah,’ says Peggy Sue”s father, ‘Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!’
Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night’s plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ‘Have a good evening, kids!’
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
‘Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!’
Male Vs. Female Logic
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the 20years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?