Today’s funny Friday 31st May 2013


Credit Crunch Hits Japan

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While the Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal when they are made redundant

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Today’s funny Thursday 30th May 2013


A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.

‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’ The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve brought you your share.’

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. ‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…

So what’s the other possible good news?

‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Today’s funny Wednesday 29th May 2013


Corporate Condoms???

What if major companies from all around the world started producing or   sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would   probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms:  Just do it.

* Toyota   Condoms:  Oh what a feeling!

Ford Condoms:  The ride of your life.

* Microsoft Condoms:  Where do you want to go today?

* Optus Condoms:  Yes!

* KFC Condoms:  Finger Lickin’ Good

* M&M’s Condoms:  Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

* Duracell Condoms:  Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop you can’t stop

* Sydney   Olympic Condoms:  Share the Spirit

* Hyundai Condoms:  All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms:  Good onya mum – (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms:  As a matter of fact, I’ve got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms:  They said you’d never make it…..

* Vegemite Condoms:  Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms:  Do you   fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms:  It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms:  Quicken.  Easy

* THE FOLLOWING BRANDS WOULD NOT SELL VERY WELL.

* Mitsubishi Condoms:  Please consider

* AFL football   Condoms:  I’d Like to See That

* GoodyearTyre Condoms:  If it only saves you   once a year….

* Samboy Condoms:  The flavour really hits you

* RTA Condoms:  Speed kills

* Nobby’s Condoms:  Nibble Nobby’s Nuts

* Bolle Condoms:  Put them on your face

* Kahlua Condoms:  Drink the rhythm

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms:  We’ll save you

 

 

 

 

Today’s funny Tuesday 28th May 2013


Old People!!
Little Old Dear in Court
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

Today’s funny Monday 27th May 2013


Eileen and her husband Vic. went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’

Bob thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays . But on Tuesdays ,Thursdays and Fridays I play golf. .

 

Today’s funny Sunday 26th May 2013


At dawn the telephone rings,

“Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob .”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Señor Bob .”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Bob ..”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in big trouble.”

Today’s funny Saturday 25th May 2013


The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was ‘fascinated.’

The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

LittleTommy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Tommy before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate,’ so she called on him.

Tommy said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

Today’s funny Friday 24th May 2013


Bottle of Merlot
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

Today’s funny Wednesday 22nd May 2013


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate

their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and

Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news… Our engines have ceased

functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an

uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live

on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA

and MasterCard bills yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our

American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated tax check

to the IRS this quarter?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

“Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

I love pink


The days are getting colder and the evenings are even colder still.

I am finding that I have gone back to wearing my warm clothes and scarves, unfortunately my warm clothes are black, I don’t have a lot of pastel pink even though I love it.

I love pink

As soon as I saw this jacket and shoes, I knew I had to create a look with it, I have a couple of pairs of shoes, red and brown, that are so similar to these pink ones (not as high heeled though) that I love wearing.   They are so comfortable I put them on for the first time and was able to wear them all day without having to wet sock them (stretch them to fit my feet with hot wet socks)