Today’s funny Thursday 14th August 2013


 THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
— that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

 

Today’s funny Thursday 25th July 2013


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

“G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”  (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?”  (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep‘s a liar.”

 

Today’s funny Monday 15th July 2013


Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.?
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells began to ring.

 

A positive comments from one of my Polyvore followers


It’s not often that people give positive comments.

I was surprised to open my email this morning to find the following lovely comment from one of my Polyvore followers, it certainly put a smile on my face for the day.

Polyvore comment

I send a very big thankyou to derpyhooves49’s for her lovely comments.

Please visit Polyvore and check her site out!!!

Today’s funny Monday 20th May 2013


Australian Poetry

The Australian  Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists;  a  university graduate and an old aboriginal.  They were given a word,  then  allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem  that contained the word.

The word they were given was  ‘ TIMBUKTU ‘

First to recite his poem was the university  graduate.  He stepped to the  microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert  sand,
Trekked a lonely  caravan
Men on camels two by  two
Destination – Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old  aboriginal top that, they thought.  The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the  microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up  tent
They were three, and we  was two
So I bucked one, and   timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.

Today’s funny Wednesday 15th May 2013


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: ‘the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice,  stilettos and mask.

He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated:

Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t’ say a word.

We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said:

‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’

Today’s funny Monday 29th April 2013


A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts ‘this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!’, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..

‘Did anybody else here see my face?’.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner………’I think the missus caught a glimpse….’

Today’s funny Monday 22nd April 2013


An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded….’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from the feckin’ skippin’