Today’s funny – A MUST READ FOR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS!


A MUST READ FOR GRANDPARENTS!
Have Kids Or Grandkids???

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes!’
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ‘
The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a dumb ass or shithead” is it?’
The little boy shook his head ‘NO!’

‘GOOD!’ said the coach . . . ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!’

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Today’s funny Thursday 19th September 2013


Some Thoughts about Red wine
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think are whispering when you are not.

 

Today’s funny, 17 September 2013


The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “….two million dollars…”

“TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

 

 

Today’s funny


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’

‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed,

“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started…

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started……

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…

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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”

And then the fight started……..

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I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!

So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’

That’s how the fight started

 

 

What a wonderful weekend


IMAG0780[1]

Friday afternoon was when my wonderful weekend started, we went to our club (MOFSC) as I was on duty to sell raffle tickets, when we got there the club was chockerblock full. We asked around as to why there were so many people there compared to most other Friday’s. We were told it was a funeral. I sat having a drink and and I say a woman that looked familiar, I went over and asked her if she was a Kalgoorlie girl because she looked familiar and she said she was. She is the sister of one of the girls that I went to school with, she told me that the funeral was for one of her relatives. I asked if her sister was here as well and she was. I found her and chattered with her for quite a while before she left. It was fabulous catching up with her after so long.

She lives in Perth so we should be able to catch up. We stayed at the club for several hours and had tea and drinks with a pile of our friends.

I got up the next morning and went to the shops early to get a few things, I then had visitors arrive about 11.30 and stayed for a few hours chatting.

We had an election party with Grumpy making pizzas for tea and had a wonderful evening.

I woke up very early as Granma was coming to pick me up at 8.00am because Granma and my beautiful daughter in law Tash were going to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at Burswood (The new Crown, it will always be the Burswood to us). The kids bought me 3 tickets for my birthday, 1 ticket for me, 1 for Tash  and 1 for Granma, we had a fantastic Mothers Day so they thought we might like to do it again.

When we were seated Tash said to me, “I haven’t seen the movie so I don’t know what it is about”, both Granma and I said the same thing, so we were all seeing the show for the first time.

I bought a program for my friend Shelley as she loves the movie and wasn’t able to get tickets, Tash took the photo of the program and I sent it to Shelley to show her and she got quite excited.

We didn’t get home until nearly 6.00pm and it was a magical day, and an even more magical weekend all in all and it was disappointing to have to think about going back to work tomorrow.

 

KRUDD – WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WASTE OF TAXPAYERS MONEY


KRUDD

From a retired ex RAAF Wing Commander
KRUDD & the first shiela’s trip to Afghanistan via a RAAF KC30-A. A330 Tanker was specifically tasked for just him, wife & media visit to Afghanistan.
The trip went via Perth and was a very quick over & back task.
What a complete waste of taxpayer funds for a photo op with the troops, when we have a massive cutback in defence spending.
This trip will not have come out of No 34 VIP Squadrons funding for Prime Ministerial travel. The KC30-A Tanker belongs & funding expenditure is allocated by No 33 Squadron at Amberley.
In effect he is stealing funding from defence operations for his own political purposes. Is there no end to this prick’s selfishness, self aggrandisement, waste and contempt to the Armed Services and the Australian Tax Payer?

And this while most of my retired military friends are living impoverished lives on their Labor Party deliberately reduced (Defence Forces Retirement Benefit Fund) superannuation indexation. In my case it is minus $550 a fortnight since I retired and I was a Wing Commander. Most of the retired guys were Warrant Officers or lesser ranks and really struggling after serving their country all their working lives.
It’s a bloody disgrace! About $560 million would repay it all back which is about a week’s worth of illegal immigrants under Rudd!

P.S.
Please pass this on to all your friends, they all need to know before 7 September!