Today’s funny Sunday 31st March 2013


Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chilli sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

Today’s funny Saturday 30th March 2013


Deaf bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back:  “I don’t know what you are talking about.”  The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”  The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back:  “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens !”

The Godfather asks the attorney:  “Well, what’d he say?

The attorney replies:   “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

 

Today’s funny Friday 29th March 2013


Death Sentence

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot

2. To be hung

3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.”

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Irishman said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”

The Irishman replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom.”

Today’s funny Thursday 28th March 2013


AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE IN GENERAL

1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1.. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date. ‘Pay attention here girls, this is a winner’
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.’
3.. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Today’s funny Wednesday 27th March 2013


A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most embarrassing moment in listener’s lives.  The final four were:

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.  I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s willie last night.’ After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.  Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home,  but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.  When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled ‘SURPRISE’.  My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.  Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, ‘Price check for Tampax supersize.’
But it got worse.  Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word ‘Tampax’ for ‘Thumbtacks‘ , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: ‘Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

1st Place .
And the winner is . . ..
This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology  lecture.  A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.  A young woman raised her hand and asked, ‘If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?’  The professor responded, yes, that’s correct adding some statistical data.  Raising her hand again, the girl asked, ‘Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?’  After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.  The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.  Totally straight faced, he answered her question.  ‘It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat’

Outfits for Tuesday 5th March 2013 and Wednesday 6th March 2013


IMAG0061I wore this Gabriella Fratini dress with a Philosophy mesh Tshirt underneath on Tuesday, I wore leggings underneath and it was a relatively warm day, a little too warm for leggings.

IMAG0064        IMAG0063 I wore this Philosophy outfit on Wednesday the pants and top are from 1 story and the jacket from a different story but all have the same circle lace fabric, the dress and leggings have the lace on the hem.

 

 

 

 

Grumpy made Hot Cross (without the Cross) buns


We left home about 2.30 Saturday afternoon to head down to Dawesville to stay overnight and have tea at the Coast Cafe.

The meal was lovely but the Owner is quite arrogant, we were going to stay and have breakfast and head back to our club for lunch but we overheard the comments that the Owner made to the on duty marina manager and we decided, that we wouldn’t spend the money at his restaurant and we would head back to the club and have a meal there.

Before we left the marina, Grumpy took the little girl up for a walk and bought a Sunday times and read through it on the way home. He found a recipe by Donna Hay for Hot Cross buns and he decided that he would make some.

We had all of the ingredients so he decided to make a batch, we went through all of my baking trays to find a tin that would fit them nicely.

IMAG0089 IMAG0090

IMAG0091

 

 

Today’s funny Monday 26th March 2013


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now … We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems!

 

Today’s funny Sunday 25th March 2013


Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” Bruce came running in.
“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.
“S’truth,” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl! I’ll go across the road and get me Cobber (his mate).”
They came back and they both tried to pull her up. “No way, we can’t do  it,” Cobber said, “so let’s try Plan B.”
“Plan B,” exclaimed Bruce, “what’s that?” “I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her,” replied Cobber.
“Spot on,” Bruce said, “while you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”
“Play with her nipples?,” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”
“No,” Bruce replied, “but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive”

Today’s funny Friday 23rd March 2013


Old Paul
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Paul, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Paul’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Paul had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Paul, he entered him in the Bairnsdale Agricultural Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Paul the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Paul was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next election, the bells are not always audible