Today’s funny – A MUST READ FOR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS!


A MUST READ FOR GRANDPARENTS!
Have Kids Or Grandkids???

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes!’
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ‘
The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a dumb ass or shithead” is it?’
The little boy shook his head ‘NO!’

‘GOOD!’ said the coach . . . ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!’

Today’s funny Thursday 19th September 2013


Some Thoughts about Red wine
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think are whispering when you are not.

 

Today’s funny, 17 September 2013


The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “….two million dollars…”

“TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

 

 

Today’s funny Sunday 18th August 2013


A couple from Basildon, both bonafide chavs, had 9 children.  They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband ‘done.’

After performing the necessary procedure, the doctor asked them what finally made them make the decision why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had heard on the ITV News that one out of every ten children being born in the U.K. was Asian, and that he and his wife didn’t want to take a chance on having an Asian baby because neither of them could speak the language.

 

Today’s funny Saturday 17th August 2013


2 bin bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic bin bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag.’

‘Oh, really? Deary me!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady.

‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car parking.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.

So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.

Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘£20 or off it comes.’

‘Well, that seems only fair.’ laughs the cop. ‘OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

 

Today’s funny Friday 16th August 2013


A WOMAN’S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Today’s funny Thursday 14th August 2013


 THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
— that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING