Today’s funny Wednesday 31st July 2013

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.’

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’

The man said, ‘Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.’

The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!

Today’s Tuesday 30th July 2013

Chinese Honeymoon

A Chinese couple gets married — and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My darring” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten.
I plomise  you, I give you anyting  you wan, I do anyting  jus anyting you wan, you say.  Whatchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan ……  numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries……… “You want… Beef wif  Broccori.”?

 

Today’s funny Monday 29th July 2013

Blonde sick of blonde jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off to work she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS”

 

Today’s funny Sunday 28th July 2013

A fart it is a  pleasant thing, It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed  in winter,  And suffocates  the fleas.
A fart can be  quiet, A fart can be  loud,
Some leave a  powerful, Poisonous cloud
A fart can be  short, Or a fart can be  long,
Some farts have  been known to sound like a  song……
A fart can create  A most curious  medley,
A fart can be  harmless, Or silent , and  deadly.
A fart might not  smell, While others are  vile,
A fart may pass  quickly, Or linger a  while……
A fart can occur  In a number of  places,
And leave every  one there, With strange  looks on their faces.
From wide-open  prairie, To small  elevators,
A fart will find  all of Us sooner or  later.
But farts are all  bad, Is simply not  true-
We must never  forget……. Sweet old farts  like you!

 

Today’s funny Saurday 27th July 2013

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain

Who inspected his sailors, and afterwards told

The first mate that his men smelled bad…

The Captain suggested perhaps it would

Help if the sailors would change underwear

Occasionally.
The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir,

I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors

Berth deck and announced, “The Captain

Thinks you guys smell bad and wants you

To change your underwear.”

He continued,

“Pittman, you change with Jones,

McCarthy, you change with Witkowski,

And Brown, you change with Schultz.”

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise

“Change”,
But don’t count on things smelling any better.

RUDD DIDN”T COMPLETELY BANKRUPT AUSTRALIA AT HIS FIRST ATTEMPT SO HE IS BACK FOR A SECOND GO !!

Today’s funny Friday 26th July 2013

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’
The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come  and see.’ She starts walking down the passage and pauses ‘Was I going up that way or this way?’
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

 

Today’s funny Thursday 25th July 2013

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

“G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”  (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?”  (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep‘s a liar.”

 

Today’s funny Wednesday 24th July 2013

Scottish Diplomacy

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!
Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:
‘If hooking up one rag-head terrorist’s testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say;
Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:                                                                                 1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to   liquor. You may be a Muslim 2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. You may be a Muslim 3. If you have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim 4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. You may be a Muslim 5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim 6. If you can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against. You may be a Muslim 7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your   clothing. You may be a Muslim 8. If you were amazed   to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting off   roadside bombs. You may be a Muslim 9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least   four. You may be a Muslim 10. If you find this   offensive or racist and don’t forward it. You may be a Muslim

Today’s funny Tuesday 23rd July 2013

Beggars at the Vatican

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the Seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Today’s funny Monday 22nd July 2013

Male Vs. Female Logic

Woman:   Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:   How many beers a day?

Man:   Usually about 3

Woman:   How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:   And how long have you been drinking?

Man:   About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:   So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately  $5400, correct?

Man:   Correct

Woman:   If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:   Correct

Woman:   Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after  accounting for compound interest for the 20years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:   Do you drink beer?

Woman:   No

Man:   Where’s your Ferrari?

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