Today’s funny Tuesday 30th April 2013

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy. The lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. And WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

 

Today’s funny Monday 29th April 2013

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts ‘this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!’, and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.

The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts..

‘Did anybody else here see my face?’.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner………’I think the missus caught a glimpse….’

We might be over our hot weather, but still some spring outfits

Pretty in blue

Outfit of the week – Cream & gold

I love the classic lines of this dress, the heels and a little creative arm band, gold clutch and filigree earrings and necklace.

I would wear this out for lunch, out for tea and as long as my shopping trip is not walking all over the shopping centre I would wear it shopping.

I made this template in Polyvore using a couple of backgrounds, and importing the clothing and the makeup.

Unfortunately when I put outfits together for myself, I do like them to be matchy, matchy.

Now that I am nearly finished my personal stylist classes, I will have to put my new found knowledge into play to be able to help clients reach their goal of increasing their self confidence and showing the world that they are beautiful and they can create a fantastic look every time they leave their house.

Today’s Funny Sunday 28th April 2013

Today’s funny Saturday 27th April 2013

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,

 ‘English speaking taxi driver’.

I thought to myself,

“What a brilliant idea. Why don’t we have them in Australia ?”

 

Today’s funny Friday 26th April 2013

What I want in a Man (a woman’s point of view) – Changes every ten years

What I Want In a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shi rt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

 What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 

1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

 

 

Today’s funny Thursday 25th April 2013

8 Thoughts

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the
Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers — what you do today,
might burn your Ass tomorrow.

. . . and as someone recently said to me:
“Don’t worry about old age — it doesn’t last that long.”

Today is ANZAC Day, lest we forget, it is a very important day for our country

ANZAC Day

Information from http://australia.gov.au/about-australia/australian-story/anzac-day

Wreaths of red Flanders poppies are traditionally placed at memorials on ANZAC Day.

On 25 April every year, Australians commemorate ANZAC Day. It commemorates the landing of Australian and New Zealand troops at Gallipoli on 25 April 1915. The date, 25 April, was officially named ANZAC Day in 1916.

ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. In 1917, the word ANZAC meant someone who fought at Gallipoli and later it came to mean any Australian or New Zealander who fought or served in the First World War. During the Second World War, ANZAC Daybecame a day on which the lives of all Australians lost in war time were remembered. The spirit of ANZAC recognises the qualities of courage, mateship and sacrifice which were demonstrated at the Gallipoli landing.

Commemorative services are held at dawn on 25 April, the time of the original landing, across the nation, usually at war memorials. This was initiated by returned soldiers after the First World War in the 1920s as a common form of remembrance. The first official dawn service was held at the Sydney Cenotaph in 1927, which was also the first year that all states recognised a public holiday on the day. Initially dawn services were only attended by veterans who followed the ritual of ‘standing to’ before two minutes of silence was observed, broken by the sound of a lone piper playing the ‘Last Post‘. Later in the day, there were marches in all the major cities and many smaller towns for families and other well wishers.

Today it is a day when Australians reflect on the many different meanings of war. Gatherings are held at war memorials across the country.

Today’s funny Wednesday 24th April 2013

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.’
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.’