Today’s funny

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.”
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:”I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?”, says the hippie.

“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put’ some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, Keeping the hood low about his Face. “Have sex with me.”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!

 

Today’s funny – A MUST READ FOR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS!

A MUST READ FOR GRANDPARENTS!
Have Kids Or Grandkids???

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes!’
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ‘
The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a dumb ass or shithead” is it?’
The little boy shook his head ‘NO!’

‘GOOD!’ said the coach . . . ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!’

Today’s funny Thursday 19th September 2013

Some Thoughts about Red wine
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think are whispering when you are not.

 

Today’s funny, 17 September 2013

The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “….two million dollars…”

“TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

 

 

Today’s funny Thursday 29th August 2013

COLIN THE ABORIGINE

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters from the BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has The balls to jump in.’

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, Jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..
Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell………… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. how about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks…. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something..
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock Options?

Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

 

Today’s funny Tuesday 27th August 2013

The Old Dying Priest

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

“Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die”, whispered the priest.

“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, …I’m IN IT TO WIN IT”.

Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Julia’s hand in his right hand and Wayne’s hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.

Finally Julia Gillard spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”

The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”
“Amen”, said Julia . “Amen”, said Wayne.

The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same.”

Today’s funny Monday 25th August 2013

Sack the Cook !

At last the true story of how it happened!

See, there has to be a rational explanation! Ha…….That’s what HE meant when he testified “I did NOT have SEX” with that woman!

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders.

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man
named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and he again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky‘s office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, “Sack my cook.”

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred…..

Today’s not so funny Sunday 25th August 2013

Dummies guide to what went wrong in Europe.

Helga is the proprietor of a bar. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar. To solve this problem she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers’ loans).

Word gets around about Helga’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer – the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Helga’s gross sales volumes and paper profits increase massively. A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

He is rewarded with a six figure bonus.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These “securities” are then bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA Secured Bonds” are really debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

The traders all receive a six figure bonus.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga’s bar. He so informs Helga. Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons but, being unemployed alcoholics, they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga’s 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds. Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations; her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

They all receive a six figure bonus.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar.

Now do you understand?

 

Today’s funny Saturday 24th August 2013

The best Genie Joke in the World Ever!!!!!!
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said.

‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’

 

Today’s funny Friday 23rd August 2013

Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem’.
‘I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him

“Youa gonna try again!”