It’s that time of year again. Man Flu


It’s winter in Australia now, but it is warmer in a lot of countries, so this post goes out to all the women who have to look after the men in their lives who get the Man flu, need Manpons  and in need of a pill to fix all their ills, and if those don’t work, there’s another pill at the bottom of this post that will sort everything.

 

Men can be such babies when they get sick, and Man flu, Manpons and a pill for complainers will definitely help .

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Manpons – for the guys that act like little bitches and whinge like a girl

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A pill for chronic complainers,

Hypochondria?

Pay too much tax?

Boss not fair?

Not gettin any?

Back hurts?

No One Cares is for you!

they are recommended to be take with a nice warm cup of shut the hell up.

Codral Man Flu tablets

Codral Man Flu tablets

How To Avoid The Flue

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol…
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So……
Walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
Put lime in your Corona …(fruit)
Celery in your Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!
My grandmother always said,  ‘A shot in the glass  is better than one in the ass!’
Live Well – Laugh Often – Love Much

And another pill for those that all other pills don’t help with, the Fuckitol pill

Fukitol pills

Christmas (Xmas) in July Grainger Style


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I love Christmas, well Santa’s really.

I have loads and loads of Santa’s and his helpers, some hand made and some bought, but I love them all.

10 years ago our  sons moved out of home and that was the last time that my Santa’s and his helpers saw the light of day. Last November, due to major health issues my in-laws moved into our home, and Grumpy Grainger decided that the Santa’s and his helpers could move to our lock up, poor buggers, banished to the cold and damp. So he picked them all up and took them down to the dark and damp lock up, where they sat waiting patiently for me to set our house up at Christmas time, that wasn’t going to happen or organise a  Xmas in July.

What started out as me wanting to set up our home with the Santa’s and his helpers turned out to be a wonderful evening.

I initially put up an expression of interest for our friends on Facebook, expecting no more than about 20 of our friends, and all of our friends said that they wanted to come, so I decided to contact our club and see if we could hold the function (the numbers had grown to about 40 people at this stage and we didn’t want to have that many people in our home on a cold winters evening) at the MOFSC, well it took a bit of pressure on my part with a lot of pressure from Grumpy and we finally agreed on a cost for the meal and the night so I then created flyers and tickets, and each Thursday and Friday evenings I put flyers around the club and on the Saturday evenings, the girls from the restaurant put more flyers on the tables.

Well the numbers got to 72 on the evening, however 1 couple were not able to come as poor Marina broke her arm on her bike the previous weekend, so we had 70 attendees.

It was so much fun, the theme for Secret Santa presents was naughty or nice, and everyone had to buy a gift for the same sex to the value of $15, wrap it in newspaper and put a B for boy and G for girl on it, some people didn’t read the instructions very well and wrapped then pressies in pretty or Xmas paper.

We had a big blow up Santa on a Harley Davidson in the corner, on loan from Diane & Coleman, Anita borrowed some fantastic reindeer (Some were handmade) from her art class, we had a true Aussie Christmas tree (a potted green ficus), with g strings attached, decorated in true Christmas form and Santa’s and their helpers everywhere. The dinner started at 6:30 and once it was dark outside and the lights on the setting was like a true Christmas grotto.

Some of the pressies were a real laugh and everyone got into the spirit of the evening, I even dressed up as Sassy (my friend Bryan called me Sexy) Mother Christmas with my lovely short dress, stockings and broken suspenders.

A big thankyou to the ladies who came and helped me set up the Santa’s and the tables.

All we have to do now is book again for next year, I am thinking the theme might be hand made or DIY??

Today’s funny


THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have sex?”

“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.”
She stands up, and Gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:”I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!”

“Yeah?”, says the hippie.

“Yeah!”, say the bus driver. “She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray,
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put’ some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.”

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

“I am God,” he declares to the nun, Keeping the hood low about his Face. “Have sex with me.”

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

“Ha-ha,” he cries. “I’m the hippie!”

“Ha-ha,” cries the nun. “I’m the bus driver!

 

Today’s funny – A MUST READ FOR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS!


A MUST READ FOR GRANDPARENTS!
Have Kids Or Grandkids???

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes!’
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an Out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ‘
The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a dumb ass or shithead” is it?’
The little boy shook his head ‘NO!’

‘GOOD!’ said the coach . . . ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!’

Today’s funny Thursday 19th September 2013


Some Thoughts about Red wine
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them!

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To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:

“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think are whispering when you are not.

 

Today’s funny, 17 September 2013


The Pope was having a shower. Although he was very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.

“Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”

“This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for life with these photos!”

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2 000 000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “….two million dollars…”

“TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” replied the housekeeper. “They must have seen you coming!”

 

 

Today’s funny Sunday 18th August 2013


A couple from Basildon, both bonafide chavs, had 9 children.  They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband ‘done.’

After performing the necessary procedure, the doctor asked them what finally made them make the decision why, after nine children, would they choose to do this?

The husband replied that they had heard on the ITV News that one out of every ten children being born in the U.K. was Asian, and that he and his wife didn’t want to take a chance on having an Asian baby because neither of them could speak the language.

 

Today’s funny Saturday 17th August 2013


2 bin bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic bin bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a £20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, ‘Ma’am, there are £20 bills falling out of your bag.’

‘Oh, really? Deary me!’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me…’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no’, says the little old lady.

‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium car parking.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.

So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.

Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, ‘£20 or off it comes.’

‘Well, that seems only fair.’ laughs the cop. ‘OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well, you know’, says the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

 

Today’s funny Friday 16th August 2013


A WOMAN’S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

Today’s funny Thursday 14th August 2013


 THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
— that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING