Today’s funny Monday 31st December 2012


A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time came for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”

The instructor said, “During the exam you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

“You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.

Today’s funny Sunday 30th December 2012


My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when i noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name, had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with a deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended fairview high school .

Yes. Yes, i did. I’m a bulldog,’ he gleamed with pride.

‘When did you graduate?’ i asked.
He answered , ‘in 1975. Why do you ask?’

‘you were in my class!’, i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, this ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked,  ‘what did you teach?’
 

Today’s funny Thursday 27th December 2012


Heart attack

A 54 year old  woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked ‘Is my time up?’

God  said, ‘No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in  the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy  tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her  teeth!

Since she had so much more time to  live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last  operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the  street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I  had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?’

God replied: ‘I didn’t  bloody recognize you.

 

Today’s funny Wednesday 26th December 2012


Wanted

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?’ the widow said. ‘Just look at you! You have no legs!’

The old gentleman smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’

‘You don’t have any arms either!’ she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed??’

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, ‘I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?’

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday…

 

Today’s funny Monday 24th December 2012


Oh To Be 12 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.

‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’

 

Today’s funny Sunday 23rd December 2012


GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you’re It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald bloke

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :

1. You sell your home heating system at a boot-sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids’ names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t  have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don’t need fibre today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the car-park.   5. An  all-nighter means not getting up to go to the toilet!

Thoughts for the weekend:

  1. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply  press ‘Ctr Alt Delete’ and start all over?
  2. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour!
  3. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ponderisms

  1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of  the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a  replacement.
  4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  6. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world  is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  8. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll  squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?”
  9. Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna  eat the next thing that comes outta its arse!.”
  10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  11. Why does your gynocologist leave the room when you get undressed if  he’s going to look up there anyway?
  12. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

But Most Of All, Remember!

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive,

Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Today’s funny Saturday 22nd December 2012


An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a U.S.A. Visa.
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to ten times a week..
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Both male and female and sometimes even camels!
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and dogs too!!
Consul: Man  isn’t it hostile?
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style!!!
Consul: Oh……….dear!
Arab: Deer?  No!  No deer, they run too fast!!!!

Today’s funny Friday 21st December 2012


TO:  God.com
Dear  Lord,

Every  single evening
As  I’m lying here in bed,
This  tiny little Prayer
Keeps  running through my head:

God  bless all my family
Wherever  they may be,
Keep  them warm
And  safe from harm
For  they’re so close to me.

And  God, there is one more  thing
I  wish that you could do;
Hope  you don’t mind me asking,
Please  bless my computer too.

Now  I know that it’s unusual
To  Bless a motherboard,
But  listen just a second
While  I explain it to you,  Lord.

You  see, that little metal  box
Holds  more than odds and ends;
Inside  those small compartments
Rest  so many of my friends.

I  know so much about them
By  the kindness that they  give,
And  this little scrap of  metal
Takes  me in to where they live.

By  faith is how I know them
Much  the same as you.
We  share in what life brings  us
And  from that our friendships  grew.

Please  take an extra minute
From  your duties up above,
To bless those in  my address book
That’s  filled with so much love.

Wherever  else this prayer may  reach
To  each and every friend,
Bless  each e -mail inbox
And  each person who hits  ‘send’.

When  you update your Heavenly  list
On  your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless  everyone who says this  prayer
Sent  up to GOD.com

Amen