Today’s funny Wednesday 7th August 2013


Subject:   Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and   Things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, ‘I’m too young to die,’   she cried. Then she yelled, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on   earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me   feel like a WOMAN?’

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman   in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,   one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled   across his chest. She gasped…

Then, he spoke…  ‘Iron this — and then get me a beer.’

——————————————

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

‘I’m afraid not, sir,’ the clerk told him apologetically, ‘but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.’

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00’.
‘Why not?’ thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read,
‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need , When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some  anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit… which now had a button  sewn on the end.

——————————————

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday,  I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am,  I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

——————————————

The Three Dolls in a Man’s Life are:

1……..His Daughter, ‘Baby doll’

2……..His Girlfriend, ‘Barbie doll

3……..His Wife, ‘Panadol

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