Today’s funny Thursday 6th June 2013


Frank:   ‘Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry     Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and   I   happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions     to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the     other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy     and, besides,   they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,     so I accepted’.
Here   are the scorecard notes from the event:____________________________________________________________________________


CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

Judge # 1 —   A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2   — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could   remove   dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the   flames   out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 – PHOENIX   BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

Judge # 1   — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli   tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken   seriously.
Judge # 3   — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not   sure what I’m   supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS ‘BURN DOWN THE GARAGE’ CURRY…

Judge # 1   — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2   — A bit salty, good use of chilli   peppers.
Judge # 3   — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium pill. My nose   feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by   now. Get   me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,   now my backbone is   in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

Judge # 1   — Black bean curry wit h almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2   — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish   for fish or other   mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3   — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but   was unable to   taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?   Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.   That 200kg woman is starting   to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1   — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2   — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong   statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and   I can no longer   focus my eyes I farted and four people behind me   needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her   chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I   wonder if   I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1   — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of   spices and peppers.
Judge # 2   — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,   and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3   — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with   gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and   I’m worried   it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to   stand behind   me except that Shareen.   Can’t   feel my   lips anymore. I need to wipe   my arse with a snow cone   ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 – SELINA’S ‘MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE’ CURRY…

Judge # 1   — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned   peppers.
Judge # 2   — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a   can   of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this   stage   that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of     distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3   — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,   and I wouldn’t   feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world   sounds like   it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with   curry which
slid   unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my   shirt.   At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve   decided   to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Screw   it; I’m not   getting any   oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through   the 4-inch hole   in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

Judge # 1   — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too   bold but   spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2   — This final entry is a good, balanced curry.   Neither mild nor   hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge   #3 farted, passed   out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top   of himself. Not   sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how   he’d have reacted   to really hot curry?
Judge # 3   – No Report.

 

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