Today’s funny Tuesday 21st May 2013


Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’
The nun asked if he had money in the bank..
He replied. ‘No money in the bank.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’

He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God‘.

The patient replied,
‘Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

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Today’s funny Monday 20th May 2013


Australian Poetry

The Australian  Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists;  a  university graduate and an old aboriginal.  They were given a word,  then  allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem  that contained the word.

The word they were given was  ‘ TIMBUKTU ‘

First to recite his poem was the university  graduate.  He stepped to the  microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert  sand,
Trekked a lonely  caravan
Men on camels two by  two
Destination – Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old  aboriginal top that, they thought.  The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the  microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up  tent
They were three, and we  was two
So I bucked one, and   timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.

Today’s funny Sunday 19th May 2013


Catholic golf

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. “Shit, I missed.”

“Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.”

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. “Shit, I missed.”

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice

“Shit, I missed.”

Today’s funny Saturday 18th May 2013


Cajun Pregnancy


Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, “Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain’t dat grand!”

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting.”

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
“Hold on, we still ain’t got done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!”

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?”

His wife said, “Yeah, I do!”

Boudreaux said, “Man, it’s a **** good ting we didn’t use no WD-Forty

Today’s funny Thursday 16th May 2013


A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, ‘What seems to be the problem?’

‘I’m out of gas,’ the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

‘Try it now,’ said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. ‘Wow!’ the man exclaimed, ‘what did you put in my gas tank’?

The bee answered,  

 

Today’s funny Wednesday 15th May 2013


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again…..

The engaged girlfriend said: ‘the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice,  stilettos and mask.

He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.’

The mistress stated:

Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t’ say a word.

We just had wild sex all night.’

The married one then said:

‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’

Today’s funny Tuesday 14th May 2013


Baked Beans

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.”

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised! …………..

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a “Happy Birthday”!!!