Today’s funny Thursday 20th December 2012


Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a CatholicHospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’
The nun asked if he had money in the bank..
He replied. ‘No money in the bank.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’
He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God‘.

The patient replied,
‘Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

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Today’s funny Wednesday 19th December 2012


Towel Waving

No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion.

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.’

They went home and followed the Rabbi’s advice.

They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love.

It didn’t help and the wife was still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they went back to the Rabbi.

‘Okay,’ he said to the husband, ‘Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.’

Once again, they followed the Rabbi’s advice. They went home and hired the same strapping young man.

The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking orgasm.

The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, ‘You see, you schmuck. THAT’S how you wave a towel!’
 

Today’s funny Tuesday 18th December 2012


2 Brooms

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while
they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

‘I think I am going to have a little broom!’

‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt!!!!!!

WE HAVEN’T EVEN  SWEPT   TOGETHER!’

Sounds to me like she’s……been …..sweeping around!!!

Today’s funny Monday 17th December 2012


The Whys of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart..Then you are just an old sour fart

A good laugh will do that for you.
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘University of Oklahoma
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————–

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you..’
———————————————————–
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

———————————————–
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————–  
*
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
———————————————–

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
———————————————– —
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————–
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your  e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

Today’s funny Sunday 16th December 2012


Proposition

There was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators.

He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

During the party he announces, “My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.

I will give one million pounds  or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can.

They cheer him on as he keeps swimming

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire is so impressed, he says, “My boy, that was incredible!

Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done!

Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the  million pounds?”

The man says, “I don’t want your money or your daughter. just tell me which bastard pushed me in the pool !!!”

Today’s funny Saturday 15th December 2012


MORNING SEX –

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ‘You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!’

My eyes lit up and I thought, ‘I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!’

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, ‘Thanks,’ and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, ‘What was that all about?’

She explained, ‘The egg timer‘s broken’

English: A colour-changing egg timer for boili...

English: A colour-changing egg timer for boiling eggs. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

another funny for Friday 14th December 2012


A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you…?”

His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes, I remember that jewellery shop…”
.
.
“Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to it!”

 

 

Today’s funny Friday 14th December 2012


ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’

’Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.’

’Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Nina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration.

‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that.

But you’ve sinned and have to attone.

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.

Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

’4 months vacation and 5 good leads’ !!

 

Today’s outfit Thursday 13th December 2012


Outfit for Thursday th December 2012

Outfit for Thursday 13th December 2012

Outfit for Thursday 13th December 2012, had another day off today.

Didn’t go anywhere other than to walk the little girl this morning, in the wind.

When I go over to the park, I wished that I had long sleeves as it was windy, with black skies and cold.

I am not sure what the fascination with paisley fabric is at the moment, I didn’t realise until I put this little dress on that it has 2 sections of paisley fabric on it.

I have had this dress for years, and it looks as though the paisley look has come back in with a passion.

My neighbour popped over with some lemons today and commented on my shoes, she has the same ones and we both discussed how very comfortable they are for everything walking, standing etc. They are extremely lightweight and the white section is all a rubber type feel so lots of support.

They are boating shoes called Kroten and they have been available  at the boat shows for the last few years. They make a variety of lovely colours, which seems to be the norm now for all types of shoes.

Today’s funny Friday 28th December 2012


Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench  outside the local town hall where a flower show was in  progress.

The thin one  leaned over and  Said, ‘Life is so boring.  We never have any fun any more.  For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!’

‘You’re on!’ said the  other old lady, holding up a $10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely  naked, streaked  (as fast as an old  lady can)  through the front door of  the flower show.

Waiting  outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the  hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked  Old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a  cheering crowd.

‘What happened?’ asked her waiting friend.

‘I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.