Today’s funny


1. “Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.”

2. “I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.”

3. “Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.”

4. “Well, aren’t we a fuckin ray of sunshine?”

5. “Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.”

6. “EXCUSE ME…Do I look like a people person?”

7. “This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting!”

8. “I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.”

9. “Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.”

10. “Why don’t you practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control?”

11. “I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.”

12. “Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!”

13. “Do they ever shut up on your planet?”

14. “I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable”

15. “Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet.”

16. “Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.”

17. “Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.”

18. “I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.”

19. “Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.”

20. “Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality”

21. “Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.”

22. “Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.”

23. “You look like shit. Is that the style now?”

24. “Jeez!!! Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”

25. “Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?”

26. “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.”

27. “A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.”

28. “You are depriving some village of an idiot.”

29. “If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!”

30. “Earth is full. Go home.”



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