Today’s funny Saturday 25th May 2013

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’

The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was ‘fascinated.’

The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’

LittleTommy raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Tommy before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate,’ so she called on him.

Tommy said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.’

The teacher sat down and cried.

 

Today’s funny Friday 24th May 2013

Bottle of Merlot
A Man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there’….. and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants’..
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back..

Today’s funny Wednesday 22nd May 2013

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate

their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and

Gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some very bad news… Our engines have ceased

functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an

uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.

However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live

on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA

and MasterCard bills yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our

American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated tax check

to the IRS this quarter?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

“Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”

I love pink

The days are getting colder and the evenings are even colder still.

I am finding that I have gone back to wearing my warm clothes and scarves, unfortunately my warm clothes are black, I don’t have a lot of pastel pink even though I love it.

As soon as I saw this jacket and shoes, I knew I had to create a look with it, I have a couple of pairs of shoes, red and brown, that are so similar to these pink ones (not as high heeled though) that I love wearing.   They are so comfortable I put them on for the first time and was able to wear them all day without having to wet sock them (stretch them to fit my feet with hot wet socks)

 

Today’s funny Tuesday 21st May 2013

Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, ‘No health insurance.’
The nun asked if he had money in the bank..
He replied. ‘No money in the bank.’
The nun asked, ‘Do you have a relative who could help you?’

He said, ‘I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.

The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
‘Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God‘.

The patient replied,
‘Send the bill to my brother-in-law.’

Today’s funny Monday 20th May 2013

Australian Poetry

The Australian  Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists;  a  university graduate and an old aboriginal.  They were given a word,  then  allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem  that contained the word.

The word they were given was  ’ TIMBUKTU ‘

First to recite his poem was the university  graduate.  He stepped to the  microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert  sand,
Trekked a lonely  caravan
Men on camels two by  two
Destination – Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old  aboriginal top that, they thought.  The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the  microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up  tent
They were three, and we  was two
So I bucked one, and   timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.

Today’s funny Sunday 19th May 2013

Catholic golf

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. “Shit, I missed.”

“Father, I’m not going to play with you if you keep swearing,” the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, “Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that.”

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. ”Shit, I missed.”

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice

“Shit, I missed.”